Happy new year, loves. I hope you had an enjoyable holiday season. I was able to disconnect while traveling to Utah and Arizona visiting family and friends, and it was so refreshing.
I am sitting over here feeling quite ecstatic that 2018 is over.
Disclaimer: this post is a raw one, a bit different than my normal posts, but my hope is that you will appreciate the rawness.
Yesterday, I downloaded my “Top 9 of 2018” image from my Instagram likes, and while those photos showcased many happy days and memories from the past year, what it didn’t capture was the internal struggle that I have battled basically every day. See, a few life events happened this past year that created somewhat of a butterfly effect feeling on my life.
As many of you know, I am very close with my family – they are like my rocks that I can go to for absolutely anything and everything under the sun. This past year, some of my family members have both been going through some incredible hardships – like serious, life-changing experiences – totally out of my control – and the type A personality that lives inside of me has had a hell of a time coping with feeling helpless.
In fully transparency, I have felt anxiety like never before. Oftentimes, my mind literally cannot stop racing and all of these bad hypothetical scenarios playback in my head, and that in itself has manifested some bad panic attacks that I have never had before in my life.
Not only have these life changes made me anxious, but they have also made me incredibly sad. There were few weeks that went by where I wasn’t in heaps of tears. As someone who loves personal development, having a growth mindset, and most things that are happy/sunny/rainbows ‘n butterflies, I have simply felt broken and not like myself at all.
I’ve canceled plans with friends, opted into staying in 9 times out of 10 – the weight of my sadness has trumped wanting to go out and enjoy life. When I did go out, I felt like I was trying so hard to have a good time, and I put on a show to make it seem like I was okay (which was probably a stupid thing to do and totally didn’t work).
The guilt has been quite real, too. Sometimes I feel so guilty that I have the life that I do – I’m healthy, employed, have a lovely boyfriend, family, and friends – while my dearest loved ones are struggling so much. It can make me feel sick at times.
Why do I deserve this and they get that?
As you might imagine, this has impacted so many areas of my life – my work, my relationship, my self-esteem, the list goes on and on.
It has come to a tipping point.
Tomorrow I have my first session with a therapist (who I met a week before going on holiday) and am feeling hopeful that talking through my thoughts and feelings with a mental health professional on a regular basis will help me get through this big block that was the elephant in the room in 2018.
Life isn’t guaranteed to be easy, and I know that. If anything, I now know what a lower low feels like and will be so very grateful when I’m at a higher place mentally and emotionally. We don’t often talk about mental health and having been through what I have in 2018, this year I’d like to be more transparent and open to letting life be not okay and getting through it with the help of the people and resources in my life.
With dignity and love
Marah Elizabeth
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