Think back to when you were newly dating someone and experienced all the butterflies ‘n feels of being in love. Fast forward through time to when those feelings gradually faded. How do couples progress their relationship and show that they still love one another after the “honeymoon” phase has passed and life gets more routine? You have to learn what you and your partner’s love languages are and use them to your advantage!
What exactly is a ‘love language’? Simply put, it’s the way couples express their love for one another. Of course, not everyone is alike; Dr. Gary Chapman has broken down the most common preferences that people prefer into 5 love languages. Let’s dive in…
You know how you grow up learning the language that your parents speak? That’s called your native language. Any additional language you learn is considered a secondary language. If we want to communicate with someone who has a different native language, then we have to figure out non-verbal ways to communicate with them in hopes of getting the gist across about whatever it is we’re trying to say.
Dr. Gary Chapman, the author of The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts, describes the topic of love like this, too. “Your emotional love language and the language of your spouse may be as different as Chinese from English. No matter how hard you try to express love in English, if your spouse understands only Chinese, you will never understand how to love each other,” Dr. Chapman confirms. When you’re in a relationship, you must learn what your partner’s love language is in order to have effective communication that shows your love for them.
The 5 love languages explained
1. Words of affirmation involve expressing love for your significant other through words, such as “I love you,” “You look great!,” “You’re the best.”
2. Quality time involves expressing love for your partner through undivided attention – in a distraction-free zone. Cooking dinner together, being active (hiking, biking, walking – however you enjoy being active!), or just sitting next to one another and resting your hand on your partner while watching TV together all count as quality time.
3. Receiving gifts involves expressing love by giving your partner presents to let them know you were thinking of them. The gifts don’t have to be grand – they can be small, thoughtful treats like your partner’s favorite flowers, coffee drink, or another one of their favorites that you pick up for them while you’re out.
4. Acts of service involve expressing love for your partner through actions rather than words. For this love language, doing things that you know your partner will appreciate, such as voluntarily doing a chore like unloading the dishwasher, running an errand, walking the dog, or having dinner ready whenever they get home are all ways to show your partner that you love them.
5. Physical touch involves expressing love for your partner through physical contact with them, such as giving them a massage, holding hands, kissing, taking a shower or bath together, and so on.
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How do you know which love language you have and what one your partner has? The book has a quiz that will help you determine what your primary love language is, and for some people, they might have a couple different ones that really make them feel loved and cherished.
You can purchase the book on Amazon here:
Enjoy working through prompts and scenarios while reading books? Here’s a free study guide that was originally meant for using after you read the book, but I think it’s most helpful to have while you read the book! The guide dives into reflection questions about the 5 different love languages and also asks guided questions to help you determine where you are right now in your love language journey.
Why knowing you and your partner’s love language matter
Clear communication and trust are two of the most important characteristics in any relationship, but even more so in an intimate relationship with your partner in life. Being able to have honest conversations about what makes you tick and feel loved can feel really intimidating, but it’s better to step into that vulnerability than sit in silence and not be transparent about what your needs are.
Perhaps you think your partner isn’t going to want to do some kind of love language quiz – I get it. Instead, you can have a more casual conversation to introduce and explain the 5 love languages and share a few examples of each one with them. It probably won’t take long for one of the love languages to resonate with them.
Many times, people will realize their own love language by how they act towards their partner. For example, if your partner is are always cleaning up, running errands, proactively doing chores, etc., then they most likely will have “acts of service” as one of their love languages, which means that they feel loved when their partner does acts of service for them. In this scenario, perhaps their partner’s love language isn’t acts of service, so their partner doesn’t feel loved by them when they do all of these things, but they have no idea and think that they’re taking it for granted – perfect example of miscommunication and mixed signals.
I know that thinking about having a conversation about how you best feel loved can sound cheesy or make you feel uncomfortable (it definitely did to me!), but there’s nothing to lose and A LOT to gain from having this conversation.
Overall, the love languages are meant to be used as a tool for helping couples be able to know and clearly express how they best feel loved. Tweaking your habits and behaviors based on your partner’s love language(s) can have a significant impact on you and your partner’s overall happiness with one another.
Have you had any experiences with the love languages before? Would love to hear (either way!) your thoughts about them.
xx Marah
